 |
| The Blue Brick is a newspaper parody and satire website. This is not an actual news site. Full disclaimer. |
 |
| Links Featured Link: Want more dynamic satire? The Glossy News gives you news, photos, horoscopes, and the finest reader submissions anywhere. The Blue Brick is proud to be an ad-free website. I depend on reader support to keep The Blue Brick alive, and free from banner, pop-up, or text advertisements. Please support creativity on the web. |
 |
| Guest editorials: Martha Stewart Britney Spears Brad Pitt Julia Roberts Mike Tyson |
| All material written by Doug Small Copyright © 2002 Doug Small |
|
 |
|
|
| WebMD.com Sued for Malpractice Hacker invades website, advises flu patient to draw own blood, eat dryer sheets, sacrifice birds |
| Pensacola, FL – Charges were filed yesterday against WebMD.com by a Florida man who drew his own blood, killed three birds, and ate several “After the Rain” dryer sheets, believing to be following the advice of a licensed physician from the popular website. In fact, Stephen Arnold, a sixteen-year old computer hacker, was giving the man orders from Nashville, TN. Arnold cracked WebMD’s firewall and began giving advice to site visitors under the name “Dr. Hack” sometime in August, and it is not clear how many victims fell prey to his false orders. The plaintiff, Gus Lawson, is a sixty-seven year old retiree living in Pensacola, Florida. He uses WebMD.com often because he does not have enough medical coverage to pay for frequent office visits. Lawson is believed to be one of Arnold’s first “patients”, complaining of flu-like symptoms. In an online chat session, Arnold told Lawson to draw his own blood and report back to him “what color it is”. Lawson was skeptical, but drew his blood using a kitchen knife and told Arnold that it was “dark red in color.” Arnold replied that dark red is a good color for blood, and that the problem must be elsewhere, perhaps in the spirit world. It was then that he advised Lawson to kill three birds by any means possible, and eat “ten to twelve dryer sheets, preferably ‘After the Rain’ scent”. Lawson first ignored the advice but when he awoke the next morning his flu symptoms had worsened. Acting out of desperation he followed Arnold’s orders, believing the teenager to be a medical doctor. “I didn’t know any better”, said Lawson, “I mean, I thought he was a doctor, and I was tired of all the diarrhea and vomiting, so I did what he told me to do”. Lawson shot and killed three birds after luring them into his backyard with chunks of bread. He then retired to his laundry room and ate nine dryer sheets before logging back onto WebMD.com and beginning another chat session with Arnold, AKA Dr. Hack. Arnold told Lawson to rest, and that he would wake up feeling refreshed and free of static cling. A few minutes later, however, Lawson regurgitated the dryer sheets violently, and was arrested by local authorities for the shooting deaths of the three birds. Lawson explained to police that he was following his doctor’s orders, but said that the officers did not believe him. “They laughed at me and called me an old fool”, he said. It was days later when Lawson’s lawyer retrieved the WebMD chats from Lawson’s hard-drive, and authorities released Lawson. The malpractice suit is believed to be the first of its kind, and is due to be heard in Florida superior court sometime next month. Arnold has been arrested on felony computer hacking charges, and may face additional charges in Pensacola for the deaths of the three birds. “We may or may not press charges for the killing of the birds”, said Pensacola assistant district attorney Brad Kern. “(The birds) were kind of ugly anyway, which works in Mr. Arnold’s favor.” WebMD.com officials were not available for comment, but issued a written press release that stated “WebMD.com is not responsible for the acts of a teenager that gained access to our site, and we do not plan to pay any damages to Mr. Lawson, or the state of Florida.” Lawson and his attorneys reportedly refused a plea bargain from WebMD.com that would have reimbursed the plaintiff for the lost dryer sheets and given him one year’s worth of free prescription pads. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |