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| Guest Editorial: Mike Tyson "My Advice for Kobe" |
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| Once again I find myself in a position of massive thoughtfulness. Another superstar athletic talent has been superfulously accused of rape against another person. This time, it is Kobe Bryant, the great basketball player for the Los Angeles Lakers. Since I have also been perfunctoraly accused of this crime before, I think that I have some words of advice for my young brethren as he faces this heinously vicious charge. What I would first say to Kobe is, be sure that you don't waste a lot of money on a lawyer. I paid my lawyers a stupendous amount of hard-earned cash, and I still ended up in the shit-house for three years of my beloved life. Now, I'm broke. As I pause to have reflections on this, I realize that if I had cheaper lawyers, I'd still have gone to prison, and I might have a few dollars in my pockets. Next, I would say to Kobe that he should just go ahead and divorce that wife. I mean, as deliciously and bountifully beautiful as she is, ain't no woman that gonna stick by a man who been accused of raping. I thought I had it made when I married a doctor, you know, someone with the same mental and intellectual aptitudeness as myself. Well, the bitch left me and now I'm broke. So, Kobe, get it over with, cause she'll be leaving you soon enough, and your ass will be cut in half either way. Now, if Kobe goes to prison, I have some extra advice for him. First, be sure that you get into a fight within a few minutes of getting there. Other prisoners will respect your fortitudeness and your show of strength, and may not beat you to a pulp of bloody tissue and try to take advantage of you in sexual manners. At least not right away. Becoming a Muslim might help, as long as you don't become one of those ones that blow things up. Lots of cats in prison are Muslim, plus you get to pick a new name, which can be lots of fun and passes some time. And, if by some miraculous happenings, you go to the prison in Indiana where I spent many days of great lengthness, never look a cat named "Fang" in the eyes. Just trust me on that one, Kobe. Hey, Mike, how should Kobe deal with the public backlash, you are most probably thinking. This is one of those puzzlefying questions that is sometimes answered more advantageously by telling someone what he should not do. For example, I would tell him to definitely not attack or assault other peoples once he is in the public eye again. That magnificous decision did not fare well in my public image. Also, do not get a tattoo placed on one's face. Not only did it hurt more than a Larry Holmes jab, it tends to detractify from my otherwise beauticious facial appearance. Finally, no matter what a certain boxing promoter tells you, do not fight Lennox Lewis. Despite his funny, British way of speaking his words, he is one bad dude. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |
| All material written by Doug Small Copyright © 2002, 2003 Doug Small |