Baltimore, MD - Since he was a child, Albert Greer has always been fond of passing gas. In his youth, he remembers making other children laugh, especially with loud blasts. "A lot of kids didn't like me, and (passing gas) seemed to be the only way I could make friends. Ever since then, I've really enjoyed (passing gas), but now that I'm an adult, I only do it when I'm alone."
Greer, now a risk management specialist for a major financial firm in Baltimore, was understandably delighted when last week he managed to pass gas, undetected, during a weekly staff meeting. "It was great", said Greer. "I had eaten a big lunch at Tumbleweed, and my stomach was really starting to cramp up during the meeting."
Under normal circumstances, Greer said he would have excused himself from the meeting and gone to the men's room to pass gas, but he decided against that strategy this time. "Goetz (Steven Goetz, Vice President) was in our meeting, and I didn't want to leave. He can be a real prick, and I knew he'd hold it against me if I left when he was talking." So, he took a big chance and decided to attempt to pass the gas as the meeting went on.
Once he had made the decision, Greer considered several strategies before pulling the trigger. "Oh, man, I thought of everything. First of all, I was pretty confident by the way my stomach felt that I could let it out without much sound, thank goodness. But I needed to create some sort of diversion, just in case." With the cramping in his stomach getting worse by the minute, Greer had little time. "I thought of coughing as I let it out, but a lot of times that only makes the gas come out louder. As a risk manager, I thought the coughing
maneuver was way too dangerous."
Greer also said he had a back-up plan prepared, just in case. "If I've learned one thing in business, it's to always have a 'Plan B'. So, if it came out loud, I was gonna turn around and look at Blevins (Mark Blevins, accountant). I mean, Blevins is a pretty weird guy, so making everyone think it was him who passed gas was a good out."
His stomach hurting worse with every passing minute, Greer had to act. "I lifted my right cheek about two inches off my seat, and slowly released the gas. In case there was some sound, I sniffed, but not too loudly, as I let it go." The result? "A perfectly executed silent fart", said Greer.
"It was such a relief. First of all, my stomach was killing me, so something had to give." And the raising of the cheek? "It was a risky move for sure, but I had to, because our conference room seats only have a little bit of cushion. So, if I'd have blasted (gas) right into the seat, it probably would have made some noise. I was pretty confident that if I raised my cheek slowly, and only a couple of inches, that no one would notice."
Greer is unsure if he will attempt to pass gas during future meetings. "I don't know. I mean, there was certainly a bit of an adrenaline rush to the whole thing. You know, doing something dangerous like that and getting away with it. Kind of like shoplifting or smoking grass when you were a kid."
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