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| “Mix Tape” Found in Afghanistan Confirmed to be Bin-Laden’s Recent Hits by Eminem, Shakira on tape lead experts to believe Al Qaeda leader still alive |
| Kabul, Afghanistan – U.S. forces in Afghanistan discovered a cassette tape containing musical hits by several different artists, and have confirmed that the tape was made by Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. The tape, labeled “O’s Hot Hits”, was found just outside the Afghanistan capital and was believed to be made less than one month ago. The tape was immediately sent to FBI headquarters, where experts analyzed it, looking for clues as to its owner. “Mix tapes are very personal”, said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “People spend hours deciding which songs to put on, in which order, and so on. After analyzing the tape, the title of the tape, and the songs recorded on the tape, FBI experts have concluded that (the tape) was indeed made by Osama bin Laden.” In addition to recent hits by Eminem, Latin siren Shakira, and Rage Against the Machine, “O’s Hot Hits” contains older pop tunes by Sam the Sham and the Pharos, Stevie Wonder, and Michael Bolton. Said Rumsfeld, “Only a sick son of a bitch would put Michael Bolton on a mix tape, even if he’s only trying to get in some girl’s pants. And the sickest son of a bitch on the planet right now is Osama bin Laden.” Mix tape expert and high school senior Sarah Hughes agrees that the tape was most likely made by the Al Qaeda leader, and says it gives new insight into the world’s most wanted man. “It’s a very complex mix tape. I mean, you have like, Rage Against the Machine, which tells me that bin Laden has some anger issues. Duh, we all knew that. But then you have Stevie Wonder’s ‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’, and Michael Bolton’s cover of ‘Sitting on the Dock of the Bay’. Osama obviously has a softer, more sensitive side, which is like, really weird because he has been such an asshole lately. The Shakira selection tells me that he probably likes to kick it and dance once in awhile. That Sam the Sham song, well, I can’t explain that because it was like, made before I was born.” Bin Laden had not been seen nor heard from in almost a year before the discovery of “O’s Hot Hits”, and many U.S. officials believed him to be dead. Now, the Department of Defense may be forced to re-think its Mideast strategy to include taking out the Al Qaeda leader. “Unfortunately, it appears that Osama bin Laden is still alive. I mean, the Eminem album just came out, and it is on the mix tape. Even if Osama downloaded the song from the internet, the tape can not be more than a month old.” Asked if Saddam Hussein or Bin Laden would now be the focus of U.S. military action, Rumsfeld said that the U.S. will attempt to take out both leaders. “The United States will use military force to remove (Hussein and Bin Laden). Not only will that make the world a safer place, but one more Michael Bolton fan will be wiped out.” Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire. |