As most of you are aware, I was arrested not too long ago for driving under the influence of alcohol. I, of course, released a statement through my publicist immediately following the incident, apologizing both for my drunken driving, and insensitive comments made during my arrest.
Of course, my behavior has become fodder for the tabloids, and many headlines are suggesting that I am “crazy”. I’d like to thank The Blue Brick for allowing me to explain, in as much detail as I can, why I am not, in fact, crazy.
First of all, I have amassed an incredible fortune. Crazy people do not make a lot of money. Okay, maybe Tom Cruise, but other than that, people who are truly crazy are usually poor. Okay, Mickey Rourke is another example, but while he lives comfortably, I wouldn’t exactly call him “Mel Gibson rich“, you know what I mean? So, while there are a couple of exceptions, most wealthy people in Hollywood are not crazy. Crazy people talk to their hands, think their arms are wings, hear voices telling them to do things, and stuff like that. Only once, after a crapload of margaritas, did I actually talk to my hands.
I also looked up “insanity” in the dictionary. Okay, I had someone look it up for me. Anyway, insanity is described as “Persistent mental disorder or derangement”. I think the key word here is “persistent”. Yes, I launched into a horrible anti-semetic, profanity laced tirade after drinking tequila all night, but I only did it once! If I were to do this on a persistent basis, then perhaps there would be an argument for me being insane, which clearly I am not.
Some may say there are a few films that I must be crazy to have been in. But, while “Maverick” may have stunk, I did get to shag Jodie Foster, and I got a lot of questions answered by James Garner about that Rockford Files show he used to be on. Others have said I was crazy for making "Lethal Weapon 4". I say I'd have been crazy not to! Plus, I get a kick out of that little Joe Pesci guy. As far as “Bird on a Wire” goes, I will have to plead temporary insanity on that one. Temporary, I said.
A lot of my buddies have said that I’m crazy to be married to the same woman for so long. This is a tough one, but at this point I have so much money that if I left her, I’d lose half of everything. Now, that seems crazy to me.
Finally mates, the key to being crazy, other than talking to your clothes, and so on, is not being grounded in reality. Believe me, I am very grounded and lead a very normal life. I have houses all over the world, am building a church on my land in Malibu, have a fortune of hundreds of million dollars, and I have an imaginary friend named Brent. He listens to me when no one else will, and has gotten me through lots of tough times. If only he could drive.
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