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| CNN Gears up for Potential U.S. War with Iraq Despite Iraqi Compliance with U.N. Demands, Cable News Giant Plans to Hire 2,000 Additional Workers |
| Atlanta, GA – CNN announced today that it is heeding President Bush’s advice and will “be ready” should the United States go to war with Iraq. According to a press release, and a classified ad that appeared in newspapers across the country, CNN is planning on hiring approximately two thousand additional employees to “ensure that the cable viewing audience can watch the impending military conflict, uninterrupted, from the comfort of their own home”. Most of the new positions will be temporary, but if a new employee does an exemplary job, there is a chance for permanent employment, said CNN’s Human Resources vice-president Jayne Owens. “War is a temporary thing. It could last a month, or it could last years. We can not promise permanent employment, because war is not permanent. However, if we find a winner, someone with a lot of ‘Go-gettitude’, then we will certainly consider hiring them on, full-time.” CNN learned some lessons during the Gulf War, which it televised virtually uninterrupted. “We really got burned (during the Gulf War), because we were short-staffed when it started. So, we hired a lot of folks to help, and before we knew it, the whole damn thing was over. We had to let (the new employees) go.” The result was a huge amount of unemployment payments that cost CNN millions of dollars. Owens hopes that the company’s new hiring strategy will help avert such costs, and at the same time help the country’s struggling job market. “A lot of talented people are out of work, and we need bodies in seats if we are going to televise this thing. Everybody wins this way.” Owens added that CNN needs production staff, camera operators, editors, customer service representatives, and even on-air talent. “For example, if Deb Norville, or that ‘Weakest Link’ British woman sends in an application, of course we will talk to them.” According to the press release, temporary employees will be given limited benefits, but no health insurance. Benefits include free parking or bus passes, discounted membership fees to area YMCA’s, and complimentary coffee in the CNN cafeteria. “It may not seem like a lot”, admitted Owens, “but if you ride the bus everyday and drink coffee, it really adds up.” In addition to hiring temporary employees during war-time, CNN is considering having “on-call” employees who will be available to work on short notice. Says Owens, “We see on-call employees helping us during smaller wars or military conflicts that flare up from time-to-time. It’s really a great opportunity for retirees and students to make some quick cash.” Despite Iraq's recent announcement that it will comply with United Nation's demands, CNN anticipates war coverage to begin before the end of the year. “Even though Hussein complied, it's only a matter of time before we have to go kick his ass. (Iraqi compliance) is actually better for us, because now the conflict will probably not begin until after fall sweeps. I mean, war makes great television, but “CSI” and “Friends” are really hot right now. (CNN) prefers not to go up against those network shows until they cycle into re-runs”, said Owens. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire |
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| CNN's Gulf War coverage brought the battles into America's living room |