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| Bush Questions U.S. Foreign Policy after Affleck-Lopez Break-up "I'm just not sure about anything anymore" says disheartened President |
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| Washington, DC - President Bush yesterday publicly questioned his own foreign policies, especially tactics used during the Iraqi war, after learning that Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck will not wed. A visibly shaken Bush was giving a routine press conference when he suddenly began speaking about the Hollywood super-couple, and their apparent break-up. "You know, since those two actors, Ms. Lopez and Mr. Affleck have seemingly ended their courtship, I've really begun to re-think a lot of things, including this country's foreign policy. Maybe we should pull back a little bit in regards to the Middle East, I don't know", said the President. The normally vocal members of the press sat in silence as Bush continued, speaking candidly about mistakes that he may have made during his tenure as commander in chief. "It's weird, but nothing seems to make sense anymore", said Bush. "When Jen and Ben were together, I was so sure about every decision that I made for this great country. Whether it was bombing the hell out of Iraq or renewing trade sanctions against Libya, it all seemed right. But now that the Lopez-Affleck marriage is off, I'm thinking maybe some of my decisions were at best questionable." When asked what a failed Hollywood romance has to do with U.S. foreign policies, Bush sighed deeply before responding. "You know how you're certain that the sun will rise every morning? It's something comforting, that you can count on, no matter what. Well, Ben and Jen's love for each other was like that for me. I would see those two together, and I just felt very safe and confident. Now that a seemingly perfect and beautiful relationship is in jeopardy, I guess I've kind of lost faith. Faith in myself, faith in the world, and worst of all, faith in love." Bush's handlers quickly called an end to the press conference, explaining that Bush "was not feeling well" and "needed some rest". Soon afterwards, Vice President Dick Cheney briefly took the podium and read a statement, saying "The entire administration is confident that our country's foreign policy is sound, and I wish to make it very clear that no changes in our policies are imminent. The President is simply not feeling well, and he has retired to his bedroom to rest. He is a very passionate man, who is a little down in the dumps due to a high-profile break-up in Hollywood. Just like when he choked on a pretzel, he will recover from this." Cheney did not answer questions from reporters following the statement. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |
| All material written by Doug Small Copyright © 2002, 2003 Doug Small |