Ostenburgh, OH - The United States Government announced today that it has selected its "Average Teenager" for 2005. The recipient, Andrew Davis Porter, will participate in numerous government studies this year, with his results being used for the "Average Teenager" mark.
The news rocked the normally quiet town of Ostenburgh, where Andrew is a junior at Reagan High School. "It's pretty exciting stuff", said Reagan principal Scott Abrams, “He's always been a pretty average student. This also validates (Andrew's) standardized test scores. Reagan High is very proud to have produced such an ordinary young man."
Mayor Alicia Howard denied reports published in the Ostenburgh Journal that the town would name a street after Andrew. "Naming a street after Andrew would increase his self-esteem to the point where he may feel that he is no longer average. I think that is the last thing that we want to happen. We need to continue to treat Andrew exactly as we have been, and hope that his (average) behavior continues, at least through 2005", said Howard in a press release.
Teenagers in Ostenburgh had opinions ranging from jealousy to apathy. "I don't even know who he is, but if he's that average, he can't be very cute", remarked Reagan homecoming queen Sarah Richards.
"I'm just as average (as Andrew), except for my Latin skills", said Latin Club president Dexter Johnson.
In a surprising interview, Reagan football team captain Greg Ranowski said that he actually knew the average teen. "I think I know him. He's in my English class. I gave him a high-five once in gym".
Andrew’s mother, Andrea, is a member of the local Mensa chapter, runs a successful law practice, and is the author of several children's books. Phil Porter, Andrew's father, has been unemployed since 1987, when the local Betamax videotape factory closed its doors. Since then, he lists his accomplishments as cleaning out the basement, and beating Mike Tyson in video boxing.
"This is the first time in history that our Average Teenager has come from a home with one exceptional parent, and one who is borderline moronic", said government spokesman Michael Civitz. The Blue Brick asked Andrew's parents what they felt they have contributed to their son's averageness. "I kind of ignore Andrew most of the time, unless we have company", said Andrea. "I let him have a beer the other day", added Phil.
Regardless of how he got to this point, Andrew certainly has an exciting year ahead of him. His everyday behavior will be monitored, and he will participate in approximately thirty government studies in 2005. His test results will be the yardstick against which all other American teenagers will be measures.
All this seems like a lot of pressure for an average teenager to deal with. "No, not really", said Andrew. "I think this year will be like any other year for me, except for more masturbation." Civitz responded to Andrew's remarks with little concern, and a wink of the eye. "All teenagers do that. His comments really prove to me that we have chosen the right kid."
Civitz also told The Blue Brick about new studies that the government will be conducting this year. Andrew will be subjected to two weeks of BBC television programming, after which his speech, writing, and eating patterns will be closely monitored. "We want to see if he picks up a (British) accent, if he starts spelling color with a 'u', and if he starts enjoying bland foods", said Civitz.
Another new study will have Andrew smoke marijuana for one month, after which he will be tempted with harder drugs, such as heroin and crack cocaine. Civitz hopes the study will either prove or disprove several theories about marijuana. "The U.S. government is sick of people arguing about whether or not grass is addictive, and if it leads to harder drug use. So, we say, let's give this kid some pot, see if he gets hooked, then expose him (to harder drugs) and see what happens."
Former recipients include Dick Clark, comedian Bob Saget, NFL back-up quarterback Kent Graham, and television personality Carson Daly.
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