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| Guest Editorial: Ashton Kutcher "Older Chicks Rock!" |
| Oh, man! A lot of wild stuff is going on in my life right now. First of all, for some reason, I have become really famous lately. Don't get me wrong, man. It's really cool what's happening to me right now, but it's kind of hard for me to figure out. I started my career as a male model. (Duh! I'm a dude, so it would have been hard for me to be any other kind of model!) That was a cool job because I didn't have to talk or anything. Okay, then I get on a television show called "That 70's Show". Have you ever seen it? Me neither. Also, I've been in some pretty bad movies, like "Dude, Where's My Car", and "Just Married". Yeah, I know. You haven't seen them, either. Then, BAM! MTV gives me my own show where I play practical jokes on my friends. Suddenly, I'm all famous. It's been a lot of hard work, I'll tell you. I could talk about my career forever, but remember, the title of this editorial is "Older Chicks Rock!". I added the exclamation point because this is something that I really, really mean. Okay, so, when I first got famous, I slept with a whole bunch of chicks, mostly young ones who didn't know a whole lot and liked me because I was on TV. Granted, that was a lot of fun, sleeping with all those chicks. Then, I met a girl named Brittany Murphy, who is famous too! We were in a movie together, and she's actually a good actress, which put a lot of stress on our relationship, but DAMN is she hot! As hot as she is, though, it just didn't last. Once our movie was out of theaters, we kind of lost interest in each other. That happens a lot in Hollywood. My point is that young chicks are pretty cool and hot at the same time. But, then I met Demi Moore. She is also a good actress, and is older than me, by like a lot of years. She was married to Bruce Willis, and even has kids and stuff. But let me tell you something. It is really cool dating an older chick. First of all, they know what they are doing in the sack. Definitely, dude! Plus, they are happy to be with a younger guy, like they think it makes them young again, so they treat you really good. And, remember that Mom in your neighborhood that everyone had the hots for when you were a kid? Being with Demi is like finally getting to sleep with that hot Mom! How cool is that? Another thing that's nice about older chicks is that they don't try to impress you by using a lot of big words, or trying to say something so that people will think they are smart. Older chicks are just like, "I'm older, I'm hot, let's get it on!". They've already wasted a large part of their lives trying to be something that they're not, so now they just want to get busy with young dudes, like me. It is awesome. Of course, it doesn't hurt that both Demi and I have movies coming out soon. The publicity from dating older chicks is great, man. As a matter of fact, if things go well with this Demi thing, and our new movies do well, I might just go after an even older chick, like Liz Taylor! Dude, think of the opening weekend my movie would have if I dated that old chick. Cool. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |
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