Bridgeport, CT. – A gang of suburban “soccer moms” rioted in the normally quiet town of Bridgeport, CT. after Germany defeated the United States in World Cup soccer play. The highly organized women took to the streets immediately following the loss, beginning their rampage by throwing eggs at German-made BMW automobiles and sports utility vehicles, which are prevalent in this upscale area of Connecticut.
The rampage continued through the morning hours, as the women overturned flowerbeds and set fire to recycling bins all over town. Things quieted down around 11:00 am, and residents began to think that the worst was over. The riots, however, started again in the early afternoon. Said Bridgeport police chief Andrew Wertz, “It turns out that they stopped (rioting) and went out to lunch together. After their meal, they seemed more determined than ever to tear this town apart.” A waiter at David’s Café, where several of the “soccer moms” lunched that day, told The Blue Brick that the women gossiped and drank white wine and martinis while at the restaurant. “I didn’t know anything was going on”, said the waiter. “It was like any other day when they come here for lunch.”
Determined and with a buzz, the women looted several mall stores in the afternoon. Among the stolen items are several Ann Taylor outfits, lamps and small tables from Pottery Barn, and several pounds of Starbucks coffee beans, both ground and whole.
Many of the women’s husbands left work early to try to calm their wives, but it became apparent that the riots would continue despite their best efforts. One husband, who wished to remain anonymous, said “My wife is used to getting what she wants. And when she doesn’t get it, things get ugly very quickly.”
At around 4pm, police rounded the women up at a local auto dealership by announcing a false sale on Land Rover sports utility vehicles. Once on the lot, the women were sprayed with what appeared to be tear gas, and were apprehended. Wertz later told reporters that the gas was actually a precise mix of alcohol and the prescription drug Zoloft. “It’s the only thing that calms these ‘soccer moms’ down”, said the chief.
Damages are estimated to be a little over fifty thousand dollars, which will most likely be paid off with credit cards. Said one husband, “The Pottery Barn employees all know us by our first name, so I’m sure our credit is fine. Plus, just think of the bonus air miles I’ll get on my card!” |
