Chicago, IL. - Oprah taketh away, and then Oprah giveth. Television giant Oprah Winfrey recently announced that she was ending her popular book club, disappointing millions of fans as well as the publishing world. Then, just a few weeks later, she announced on her popular syndicated show that she was starting the Oprah Snack Club, which will feature a new snack food every month. Selections will be made exclusively by the multi-talented Winfrey, based on her feeding habits and tastes.
After making the announcement, Winfrey pulled a bag of Bar-B-Q Fritos from beneath her chair and proclaimed the popular snack to be her first selection. The audience responded with subdued approval, until Winfrey suggested they “get into it, girls!” Then the mostly female audience rose as one and began chanting “Go Oprah, Go Fritos, Go Oprah, Go Fritos!”
Frito-Lay spokesperson Harold Drane said that since the announcement last week, Bar-B-Q Frito sales have jumped over 250% in the United States alone, and that the snack chip giant plans to add two hundred temporary workers to keep production up with demand. “Frito-Lay is thrilled to produce the snack food that is the first Oprah Snack Club selection. We are sure that her fans will continue their pattern of following her every move, and thereby increase their intake of our delicious barbeque-flavored corn chips.”
Winfrey scoffed at critics who suggested that her selection contains too much fat and cholesterol, and may impair the health of her audience. “Girl, I eat Bar-B-Q Fritos because I am following my spirit. The taste of these corn chips elevates my self-awareness and allows me to be a confident and spiritual woman. The unique combination of salt and artificial flavorings helps me realize that it is okay to just be myself and let the chips, no pun intended, fall where they may. Besides, girl, they taste good, and I love to lick the aforementioned salt and flavorings from my fingers after the bag is gone.”
Winfrey also announced that the next Oprah Snack Club selection will be revealed on her show sometime towards the end of May, and that she would not rule out selecting low-fat snacks in the future. “You know me, girl. Whatever I am eating that makes me feel complete, and is good for my spirit, is what I will select for the club. It could be celery sticks, or it could be raw cookie dough. I can not predict in which direction my spirit will soar.” |
