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    The United States Government announced today that it has selected its "Average Teenager" for 2002. the recipient, Andrew Davis Porter, will participate in numerous government studies this year, with his results being used for the "Average Teenager" mark.
     The news rocked the normally quiet town of Ostenburgh, Ohio, where Andrew is a junior at Reagan High School. "It's pretty exciting stuff", said Reagan principal Scott Abrams. "He's always been a pretty average student. This also validates (Andrew's) standardized test scores. Reagan High is very proud to have produced such an ordinary young man." Mayor Alicia Howard denied reports published in the Ostenburgh Journal that the town would name a street after Andrew. "Naming a street after Andrew would increase his self-esteem to the point where he may feel that he is no longer average. I think that is the last thing that we want to happen. We need to continue to treat Andrew exactly as we have been, and hope that his (average) behavior continues, at least through 2002", said Howard in a press release.
     Teenagers in Ostenburgh had opinions ranging from jealousy to apathy. "I don't even know who he is, but if he's that average, he can't be very cute", remarked Reagan homecoming queen Sarah Richards. "I'm just as average (as Andrew), except for my Latin skills", said Latin Club president Dexter Johnson. In a surprising interview, Reagan football team captain Greg Ranowski said that he actually knew the average teen. "I think I know him. He's in my English class. I gave him a high-five once in gym", said the towering Ranowski.
     Meeting Andrew's parents gives one an interesting glimpse as to where Andrew's average behavior comes from. His mother, Andrea, is a member of the local Mensa chapter, runs a successful law practice, and is the author of several children's books. Phil Porter, Andrew's father, has been unemployed since 1987, when the local Betamax videotape factory closed its doors. Since then, he lists his accomplishments as cleaning out the basement, and beating Mike Tyson in video boxing. "This is the first time in history that our Average Teenager has come from a home with one exceptional parent, and one who is borderline moronic", said government spokesman Michael Civitz. The Blue Brick asked Andrew's parents what they felt they have contributed to their son's averageness. "I kind of ignore Andrew most of the time, unless we have company", said Andrea. "I let him have a beer the other day", added Phil.
     Regardless of how he got to this point, Andrew certainly has an exciting year ahead of him. His everyday behavior will be monitored, and he will participate in approximately thirty government studies in 2002. His test results will be the yardstick against which all other American teenagers will be measures. A lot of pressure? "No, not really", said Andrew. "I think this year will be like any other year for me, except for the masturbation." Civitz responded to Andrew's remarks with little concern, and a wink of the eye. "All teenagers do that. His comments really prove to me that we have chosen the right kid."
     Civitz also told The Blue Brick about new studies that the government will be conducting this year. Andrew will be subjected to two weeks of BBC television programming, after which his speech, writing, and eating patterns will be closely monitored. "We want to see if he picks up a (British) accent, if he starts spelling color with a 'u', and if he starts enjoying bland foods", said Civitz. Another new study will have Andrew smoke marijuana for one month, after which he will be tempted with harder drugs, such as heroin and crack cocaine. Civitz hopes the study will either prove or disprove several theories about marijuana. "The U.S. government is sick of people arguing about whether or not grass is addictive, and if it leads to harder drug use. So, we say, let's give this kid some pot, see if he gets hooked, then expose him (to harder drugs) and see what happens."
     Entry forms for the 2003 Average Teen can be picked up at participating department stores, and all all government offices. Entries are due before July 31st of 2002.
     Former recipients include Dick Clark, comedian Bob Saget, NFL back-up quarterback Kent Graham, former Vice President Dan Quayle, and MTV personality Carson Daly.

     In a stunning interview, Steve Pollock, the recently retired anchorman for WBBD's nightly newscasts, has admitted that most local news is irrelevant. He also alleged that news producers are aware of the meaninglessness of stories, yet still put them on the air.
     In an exclusive interview with The Blue Brick, Pollock stated that "I can count on one (hand) the really important stories that I covered during my career with WBBD". He cites having to do live remotes from pet store openings, covering elementary school children planting a tree, and interviewing a couple celebrating their seventieth wedding anniversary as examples of assignments that were "ridiculous" and "boring to the point that I started to drink". When pressed about the elderly couple's story, Pollock's voice rose. "I mean, so they've been married a long time. So what? They had nothing interesting to say, and they claimed that they never fought. It's one thing to be old, but to be liars as well? Come on."
     Pollock was not always so bitter. "I started at WBBD right out of college, and I was excited. I mean, television and hot chicks were my favorite things, and to be able to have a job that covered those interests was great. And back then, stations hired chicks because they were hot, not because they had degrees or anything stupid like that". He worked as a writer and reporter before landing the plum job as nightly anchor in 1988. "I thought things would change when I became anchor", said Pollock, "but the stories got more idiotic, and then they started with the weather."
     He claims that WBBD, and all local stations, over-hype the weather as well as the equipment that is used for forecasting. "Every few months, the station executives would re-name the equipment. 'Doppler 2000', 'The Forecastinator', 'RainMan', they were all the same junky radar that the station bought in 1978." For the record, WBBD management denies Pollock's claim, stating in a letter to The Blue Brick that "RainMan is the most sophisticated weather forecasting equipment available today. The allegations that it and the Forecastinator are in fact the same is ridiculous. They are not even the same color." Pollock chuckles when I read him the letter. "A coat of paint doesn't make the thing new. It's like putting make-up on an older broad. You know, underneath, she's still the same (old broad)".
     Pollock also claims that WBBD meteorologists would simply watch the Weather Channel, make some minor changes, and use the forecast as their own. "They'd add a degree or two to the high or low temperature, say 'partly cloudy' instead of 'mostly cloudy', things like that". Again, WBBD management denies this claim, stating "Mr. Pollock's allegations regarding the Weather Channel are completely false. We don't even get cable in the newsroom."
     So, why is Pollock coming forward with these claims now? He said that until he retired and began watching some local newscasts from his home, he did not realize the scope of the problem. "The viewers, they are the real losers here. For producers to put this crap on and think that we (the viewers) care, it's insulting. Yesterday I saw a story about a local woman who makes eyeglass cases from her husband's old belts. All the while, there was a scrolling weather report on the bottom of the screen, alerting us that 'precipitation activity' was likely later that night. Meanwhile, I look out my window and it's already pissing down rain. Christ!"
     Pollock hopes that his interview with The Blue Brick will bring about some changes in the local news industry, but he is doubtful. "They won't change a damn thing. The least they could do for us is to start hiring hot chicks again, and I doubt they'll even do that". Meanwhile, Pollock will try to enjoy his retirement in his modest east-end home. He's working on his memoirs, tentatively titled "There is no Top Story-Confessions of a Local Anchorman".
     Despite the criticism, WBBD station manager Skip Mellon wishes only the best for Pollock. "Steve did a lot of good work for us. I think it is the liquor talking now." Mellon also introduced WBBD's latest addition, a news helicopter. "HoverCraft 3000 will allow us to bring you aerial shots of breaking stories, as well as weather reports from where the weather really starts, the sky."
     The final word went to Pollock, who responded to Mellon's comments as he sipped a bourbon and coke on his back porch. "Aerial shots of an old woman making eyeglass cases? What an idiot."