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| Guest Editorial: Martha Stewart "Life is not Always a Well-Rinsed Bowl of Bing Cherries" |
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| The last month or so has been a very trying period for me. I have been accused of a myriad of improprieties, including insider trading. At first, I was angered by these outlandish accusations, to the point where I even stopped pretending to be a nice person for a little while. When I noticed that people did not like me when I was not pretending to be nice, I started to pretend to be nice again. I appeared on some television shows in order to boost my image, and it gave me another chance to mention that I used to be a fashion model. I really did, you know! Well, just when I thought I had solved my problems, an investigation by the SEC into my company, Martha Stewart, Inc. began. When I heard about the SEC probe, I was in my kitchen preparing chocolate hazelnut brownies for the imaginary children that live in my house with me. Needless to say, I was very upset by the news, so much so that I scolded my make-believe friends with a profanity-laced tirade. I also fired my gardener and limousine driver. Even though they had done nothing wrong, it sure made me feel better to send them packing. I’m sure they’ll find work somewhere, there are always ditches that need digging, you know. Now, those reactions may seem extreme, but not to worry, the brownies came out just perfectly and my imaginary friends all forgave me, eventually. I suppose the lesson that I am learning, other than never invest in a crappy biotech company, is that life can sometimes present problems that are not easily solved. I am reminded of the time where I had t choose between Mexico and the Philippines as a place to hire cheap labor to manufacture my line of products for the home. That was a tough decision for me, but ultimately I did my research and decided on the Philippines. It turns out that I made the right decision, because my overhead costs have decreased and I do not have to provide any medical insurance to the workers, which is saving me a bundle. Another difficult time for me was choosing which overseas account to hide my profits in. Again, I made the right decision, but on advice from my attorneys, I can not discuss it in any detail with you. But now is, without a doubt, the hardest time in my life, and I am not sure how to get out of it. When the nice men from the SEC came to my house, I invited them to sit in the rattan chairs on my screened in patio. Once they were seated, I offered them a tasty snack from a nifty serving tray that I made using driftwood and old car door handles that washed up on the beach near my Hamptons home. I was sure that my graciousness would clear up any misunderstandings, but those men kept asking me pesky questions until I was so exasperated that I could only muster up the energy to make a three course dinner for all of us. I was sure to serve both red and white wine, as any polite host would, but still they kept pestering me about this silly stock trade. After we ate sorbet that I served in warm bread bowls, those mean men finally left. It was one of the worst nights of my life, other than the meal, of course. In conclusion, to be quite honest with you, I have done nothing wrong. I will continue to fight these silly accusations and in the end, I will be vindicated, or possibly incarcerated. No matter what the outcome, I have learned that life is not always the well-rinsed bowl of cherries that some proclaim it to be. I would also like to remind everyone that as a younger woman, I was a fashion model. I really was. Honest. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |