Recently, I married Danny Moder in a small ceremony near my home in Taos, New Mexico. It was an intimate ceremony, tastefully done in front of my closest friends and family members (except for my crazy brother, Eric). We decorated the outdoor tents inexpensively with hanging flower baskets and candles, and the guests sat in plastic chairs that we purchased from a local store. Except for a brief rain shower, the weather cooperated, and we partied and danced under the stars until dawn.
It was then, at dawn, that I suddenly had a massive panic attack and began to have trouble breathing. My heart raced and I felt as if I could pass out at any moment. I gathered myself and sat on a chair, downed yet another Smirnoff Ice, and thought to myself “Oh my God, did I really just marry a cameraman?”
So I began to think, okay Julia, why did you marry this guy? Well, Danny is very cute, and he is extremely nice to me. But you know what? There are thousands of cute guys, and everyone is nice to me since I am so damn beautiful, rich, and famous. Danny also has that kind of longish hair that I like, but I’ll bet that if I was sleeping with him, I could get George Clooney to grow his hair out, too.
Then I remembered another thing that Danny has going for him. He is a relative nobody, and he will never take the spotlight away from me. Just when I began to take comfort in this, I remembered that I have been married to a relative nobody once before, Lyle Lovett, and that certainly didn’t work out. Now, you may be saying, “But Julia, you gorgeous and talented woman, Lyle is a ‘famous’ musician, not a nobody.” Yeah, famous if you are one of those nerds that likes crappy music that you can’t dance to. Come on.
Suddenly, the negatives were beginning to outweigh the positives, so I cracked open another Smirnoff Ice and thought some more. Danny and I met on the set of “The Mexican”, which was a pretty bad movie, by the way. He was a cameraman, and I was the beautiful, Oscar-winning actress. He was shy at first, but eventually we began to talk, and I really did like him. Once we started our affair, Danny was sweet enough to dump his wife. That’s when I knew that he probably liked me a whole lot, and no one had ever dumped their wife for me before. Cheated on their wife, yes, but actually gotten divorced so that they could be with me? Not until Danny.
So, let’s review the negatives first. He is no cuter than a lot of guys in Hollywood, and certainly not as handsome as George Clooney. He is definitely not rich, powerful, or famous. He can do nothing to advance my career, and the fact that he is a nobody doesn’t really help his cause, since that type of relationship hasn’t worked for me in the past. He is the outdoors type, which you think would be a positive, but it’s not because the sun is not good for my complexion, and therefore is not good for my career.
Now, the positives. He was nice enough to dump his first wife for me. I guess that’s enough to make this marriage work. It will have to be. Oh wait! I remember one more thing. He loves Smirnoff Ice, and other flavored malt beverages, and so do I. Whew! For a minute there, I thought that this marriage didn’t have a chance. |
