Horoscopes1

Aries (March 20-April 19)
Remember that person that you were attracted to? Well, forget about them, because they do not know that you exist. By the way, stalking is now a punishable offense in all fifty states, so be careful.

Taurus (April 20-May 19)
Did you know that there is a car named after your sign? Even with power locks and windows, a spacious interior, and an in-dash CD player, you still stink.

Gemini (May 20-June 20)
Your sign is for twins, but let’s all hope there’s only one of you out there. Does the world really need two dimwits like you running around? I think not.

Cancer (June 21-July 21)
If you eat out this month, order an appetizer. You deserve the treat, and since you are so cheap, it might fill you up and save you the expense of an entrée.

Leo (July 22-Aug 22)
If you get an attractive haircut, a significant other may notice you. Feathered hair went out with the cassette tape and self-help groups.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 21)
Just because your sign starts with the letter “V”, does not mean that you are cooler than the rest of us. Oh wait, maybe it does. Sorry, dude. Maybe we can hang out sometime?

Libra (Sept 22-Oct 22)
Tuesdays are good for you this month, if you consider getting fired and having property stolen “good”. Stay in bed and eat marshmallows until People magazine comes and does a feature on you instead.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Is there a post-it note on your forehead that says “Sucker”? The next time somebody asks you what time it is, tell them “It’s time for you to get a watch”, and take a drag from your smoke. If you don’t smoke, it’s time to start.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Nice try, Sagittarius. Maybe next time we’ll all fall for your fake British accent, but not this month. Keep wearing black if you want to, but we’re still not buying it.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
No one liked the Christmas gifts that you got for them.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 17)
Remember when your pet dog died, and everyone was really sorry, and you even had a little funeral service in the back yard? It would have been really cute if you weren’t twenty-six at the time.

Pisces (Feb 18-March 19)
Work sucks, and you have little or no life, right? Well, whose fault is that? Start taking some responsibility for yourself, and get off of the Oprah self-pity train.