Detroit, MI. - Ford Motor Company announced today that production of its new “sub mid-size family compact” sports utility vehicle would cease immediately, as engineers and executives could not think of a name for the vehicle that began with the letter “E”. The company’s plan was to have the vehicle become the next S.U.V. in the Ford family to begin with the letter “E”, hoping to expand the success of the Explorer, Expedition, Excursion, and Escape. The company felt another “E” name was imperative to the vehicle’s success, as Ford’s S.U.V.’s have been wildly popular for the otherwise floundering automaker.
“We have a great track record with S.U.V.’s that begin with ‘E’”, said company spokesperson Andrew Hardy, “we’d be foolish to toy with a successful formula and have the new vehicle begin with a different letter”.
So, millions of dollars have been spent on what Ford was calling a “revolutionary” vehicle that may never see the light of day. “We tried like hell to come up with an ‘E’ name”, said Hardy, “but we just couldn’t do it. It’s too bad, because the vehicle may have revolutionized the S.U.V. market. It allowed the driver to control all of the windows from a small console on the inside of the door, and it had a really kick-ass stereo.”
Rejected names include The Eliminator, The Excavator, The Excretion, The Enabler, and The Embalmer. “We thought the Eliminator was too menacing. The Excavator appealed to only a very narrow segment of construction workers. The Excretion was just too gross, although teenagers liked the name. We found that The Enabler had a negative connotation, like someone who enables a drug addict to continue to take drugs. And our market research indicated that The Embalmer was too morbid, and sounded like a professional wrestler.”
Hardy said at one point during the brainstorming sessions, the executives got excited about the name “Escort”, but the momentum was short-lived. “Turns out we already have an Escort in our fleet. It’s a small car, and we kind of forgot about it because it’s such a piece of crap. Then we thought of the Escalade, but it turns out that those dimwits at Cadillac already have an Escalade.” Executives decided to halt production soon thereafter. As a result, Ford expects to layoff approximately five hundred workers in plants across the country.
“Ford feels badly for the employees who will lose their job. But, we would much rather eliminate a few hundred workers than produce a S.U.V. that doesn’t have a good ‘E’ name.” |
