Los Angeles, CA – Fox Television today announced the lineup for the next installment of its popular “Celebrity Boxing” television show. The main event will feature troubled yet talented actor Robert Downey, Jr. taking on his inner demons in a scheduled three-round fight. Other fights on the card include comedian and AT&T collect-call spokesman “Carrot Top” against action hero Jean-Claude van Dam. Says Fox spokesperson Susan Porter of the apparent mismatch, “we want to be sure that Carrot Top gets his ass kicked. Our market research shows that almost everyone in America wants to see that.” The night’s first fight will be a late-night television grudge match, pitting Paul Shafer against Kevin Eubanks. The bandleaders from “The Late Show with David Letterman” and “The Tonight Show (Starring Jay Leno)” will duke it out to decide once and for all who is the better kiss-ass.
Despite the great lineup, attention from both the media and the public is focusing on the Downey v. Downey bout. Porter announced all three of the bouts with much enthusiasm, but added “Fox is very excited to have put this main event together. It is a fight that the public wants to see, and Fox is going to deliver. Mr. Downey's battle with his inner demons and addictions has been well documented, and his fate has been debated. Now, the score will be settled, once and for all.” Porter added that even if Downey triumphs in the bout, his victory will not be enough to resurrect the recently cancelled "Ally MacBeal". "No one in their right mind, even Fox executives, want to see that (Ally MacBeal) again.", she said.
Fight experts doubt that Downey can finally defeat his problems. "He'll be the sentimental favorite", said boxing expert Kevin Rooney. "But, he's like 0-20 against this particular opponent, and I don't know that he has been training very hard. That kind of cock-sure attitude could set him up for another butt-kicking at the hands of his addictions." So, what does the actor need to do to win? Says Rooney, "Downey's got to stay on the outside, not get into any clutches, and definitely stay off the ropes. He'll have to score a knockout to win. Judges tend not to rule in his favor."
Why would anyone want to see a grown man essentially fight himself? When asked, Porter replied that while no one at Fox knows what will happen when Downey steps into the ring, “we figure that he (Downey) will either flail away at an invisible foe, or punch himself repeatedly. Either way, I think everyone agrees that it will be damn entertaining.” |
