Washington, DC – Citing “patterns of behavior that are idiotic and destructive”, Corporate America has filed for independence from the rest of the country. The appropriate papers were filed Monday in Washington, DC, and representatives for Corporate America hope to have their case heard before the end of their all-important third fiscal quarter.
William A. Norris, CEO for technology firm Itex Industries, acted as spokesman for Corporate America at a news conference held yesterday. He said that the unprecedented action has been discussed for years. “It all started with ‘Hands Across America’. We saw that the majority of American citizens are willing to take place in such a ridiculous event that generated no income, and we (Corporate America) began to realize that we were probably better off on our own.”
Other events that led to the proposed secession include the “wimpy” opening ceremony at the recent Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City, and the growing popularity of “Reality TV”. Says Norris, “There are far too many horrible television shows that claim to be real. Reality is a slumping stock market, high unemployment, a growing trade deficit, and the high cost of health insurance for employers. Make a show about that, and Corporate America would watch it. Reality is not some dumb bachelor picking a mate from a stable of willing females.”
When asked about the Winter Olympics opening ceremony, Norris replied “Anyone who saw it knows what we’re talking about. A bunch of skaters dressed in white, pulling big white curtains behind them while an orchestra plays? Hell, I don't even remember any guns or cannons being fired. Come on. That’s not what America means (to Corporate America).”
A panel of judges in Washington, DC, will hear the case sometime this summer. Norris knows that the likelihood of secession is low. “Even if we don’t win, we have to make a statement here. Corporate America can not sit back and watch another waste of time like ‘Hands Across America’ take place. Not on our turf.”
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