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| All material written by Doug Small Copyright © 2002, 2003 Doug Small |
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| Guest Editorial: Britney Spears “The Truth about all those Rumors and Stuff” |
| Gosh, I am so glad that Doug asked me to write another editorial for The Blue Brick. I’ve been like, so busy lately, but there are so many rumors being written about me lately that I have to take a few minutes and set the record straight. First of all, I am so not dating Fred Durst! And, I never did! We recorded a couple of songs together, and next thing I know he’s all “Britney, I love you”. And I was all “Whatever”. As you can see, it was a big misunderstanding. Not that I am trying to rip on Fred. I mean, he’s a nice guy, I guess. He’s just not, oh what I am I trying to say? He’s just not HOT enough, you know? I used capital letters there because I think you know what capital letters mean, like I really mean that word, you know? A guy has to be extra-hot for me to go out with him, and Fred just isn’t that way. I mean, sometimes it looks like he has a goatee, and sometimes it looks like he doesn’t. That is really confusing and gross. And those really baggy pants? I hate that! Then, I went to a movie premier with Colin Farrell. I can’t remember what the movie was called. I wasn’t in it, so I didn’t really care. Anyway, Colin is a extra-hot hottie! When I first met him, I thought he was really cool because he has an accent. I think he is from England or Ireland or something. Anyway, he was all like “You’re a right looker, aren’t you?”. That is a British way of saying that he thought I was a hottie, too! I started to say something, but then remembered that I’m usually better off by not saying anything. So instead of saying something, I just looked at him and kind of giggled, being sure to get my boobies to where he could see them. I mean, I still had my shirt on and everything! But, it worked because he looked over my whole body. That’s when I knew that he would ask me out to a movie premier or a steak dinner or something. Anyway, that didn’t last too long, because even though he is a hot guy and a good kisser and everything, his accent is so hard to understand. My head started to hurt because I had to think so hard about what he was saying and try to translate it in my mind. It was just too much work, so I told him that I thought he was a dork, and I moved on. The last rumor that is bothering me is that I used drugs in a bathroom during a party. That is so not true! I have never done any drugs, or even cocaine! So, I respond to that rumor by stomping my foot and huffing and puffing. That always seems to make bad things go away. Whew! Can you believe how much I have written?!? I’m all thinking I’m a great writer or something! Okay, okay, I’ll stop. But listen, if you think you know a rumor about me, please don’t tell anyone, especially a reporter for a tabloid. Just close your eyes and think about rainbows. Because, other than stomping your foot and huffing and puffing, closing your eyes and thinking about rainbows makes stuff go away, too. Click Here to go to the front page and get more satire! |
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