Washington, DC – President Bush today announced new strategies to deter terrorists from entering the United States, including placing “Secured by ADT” signs along U.S. borders. The country, however, will not actually be protected by an ADT security system, said Bush. “We researched residential security, and found that the (ADT) signs alone are a deterrent to break-ins, even if the system is not installed.”
Democratic leader Tom Daschle decreed the ADT signs as a “feeble” and “shallow” attempt at improving national security. “Without an actual (security) system installed, I fail to see how this will make our country a safer place. If President Bush were serious about improving national security, he would pony up the monthly fee and get (the ADT security system) installed.”
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer tackled the criticism at a press conference late yesterday afternoon. He cited statistics that show homes with security systems are 87% less likely to be burglarized. One study claims that homes with security system signs, but no actual security system, are still 68% safer than homes without signs. “We can make this country a safer place, and do so without spending taxpayer dollars for an ADT system.”
Fleischer also cited the difficulties of having the system installed and maintained. “The installation rarely goes smoothly, and there are usually a few false alarms in the first week following installation. Those are risks that we simply can not take.”
Other difficulties make it unlikely that the government will purchase the ADT system. Like all ADT customers, the United States would have to choose three friends to be on a ‘call list’. The ADT monitoring center calls these ‘friends’ in case of a U.S. security breach. Selecting these three friends would be a political nightmare. “We could choose Canada”, said Fleischer “but really, what are they going to do for us if we are attacked? And I still don’t trust England.” Fleischer also added that it would be difficult to properly maintain a motion detector for the entire country. “Given all of these potential difficulties, the president thinks the ADT signs will do just fine on their own.”
Normally ADT does not distribute their security signs unless a system is installed, said ADT spokesperson Cynthia Carter. The company is making an exception in this case, however. “After the events of September 11th, all Americans are sacrificing for the better good of the country. It is in this spirit that ADT is donating 45,000 of our ‘Secured by ADT’ signs to the government for use at their discretion.”
The signs will be placed along borders and at airline gates where international flights land on U.S. soil, said Fleischer.
In return for the free signs, the ADT logo will be painted on the sides of Air Force One and will be sewn onto the sleeve of all of the president’s golf shirts.
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